Will I Get Time Off in Purgatory if I Take My Toddlers to Mass?

I have two toddlers (Joey – almost 3, Nicky – 16 months). These boys are my heart, and they are the best babies on the planet, but they are the reason I haven’t heard a homily in three years.

Here is the normal routine: we get to the church with maybe a minute to spare (because some little guy decides to spill orange juice on his outfit as we’re walking out the door). The boys sit quietly for a long, long time (maybe until the priest reaches the altar). Then they explore the kneelers, hymnals, the purse under the pew in front of us. And then they start talking (“I just pooped, Mommy, Mommy. I JUST POOPED!”). That is when we take the long walk out to the vestibule, passing by people who are smiling sweetly until they smell our little cutie’s diaper. Then the congregants are still smiling, just with their noses covered.

Over the past three years, people have given us a lot of advice on how to take babies/toddlers to Mass. So, here are the best tips:

Advice (that Doesn’t Work) for Taking Toddlers to Mass:

1         Bring toys to distract them.

o   They will (somehow, some way) make the toy noisy. My boys could make noise with a cotton ball.

o   They will make a fetching game with the toy, and guess who plays the part of the dog?

2         Bring books.

o   See #1, except they will also eat the pages.

3         Take them to the cry room.

o   Have you ever been there? In our parish, it’s filled with kids (ages ranging approximately from 7-15) running around in circles swinging their younger siblings above their heads. If you think I’m exaggerating, you apparently have never been in a cry room.

o   If you want to see or hear Mass, this is not an option. If you don’t care about seeing/hearing the Mass, the cry room is the perfect place.

4         Tell your little angel to be quiet/sit still.

o   Umm, if you have a toddler who listens to you when you ask him/her to be quiet, then why do you need any advice?

o   Asking a toddler to sit still is like asking a Democrat to quit spending money.

So, you might ask, “What can I do to insure a peaceful, prayerful time at Mass with my toddlers?”

Well, I have no idea.

But I still want to bring my boys to church because I want them to grow up remembering that we went to Mass each week as a family, usually with their Nana, Papa and Aunt Mishy as well. Also, I want them to receive the graces that are poured out each time they witness the miracle of the Eucharist.

Still, when you’re in the middle of chasing a 1-year-old around the vestibule whisper-yelling sage advice such as, “Stop eating your brother’s shoe,” you might forget why you brought them in the first place.

But I imagine that years from now, when Travis and I look back on the times that we took our precious toddlers to Mass, we will wistfully say… “Were we insane?!?”